Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century