Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
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Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
he’s doing your taxes
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Pikachu found the lost joint
