Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
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Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.