Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
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If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
