Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
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Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
His flabber was gasted 😂
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Emma is smarter than all of us.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*