Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.