Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

Yeah. This was me today.

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

can’t talk my ride’s here

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice