Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
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Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.