Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
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Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”