Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
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Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
What if all the cashiers are married?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human