Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

🍛

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*