Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
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My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it