Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

Who did it better?

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.

He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*