Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

Her: I’d love that!

Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

is frankincense just very honest incense?

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.

The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

her: that lion is charging

me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add

her: ok it has my leg, now what

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]