Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.

my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.