Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
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Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”