Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
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Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
This is a true ally.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best