Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547

Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.