Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

pls suprot

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

if a cop pulls u over play dead