“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
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Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”