“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
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Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I only eat vegetarians.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
This feels like we’re in one of the Jurassic Park sequels where a lot of us were like “hey let’s not try this again because last time the dinosaurs got loose” but other people were like “well, maybe the dinosaurs won’t get loose this time.”
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Still cracks me up
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.