“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
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Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
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