DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
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My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.