Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
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A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
me when somebody idk start touching me
