Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when she’s mad at me I just say “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

ME: want to see me do a head stand

BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here

Server: Have you dined before?

Me: Have I d- like in general?

Server:

Me: Yeah. Yes.

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

I put the p in pants.

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*