Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
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Candid photo of me, eating chips.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
adam and eve had first world problems
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!