dead inside
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*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.