dead inside
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In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..