dead inside
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*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
What happened to the other hiker??!
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Double negatives are never not confusing.