Dead sexy!!
You Might Also Like
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
British people
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.