Dead sexy!!
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Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no