Dead sexy!!
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Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
A fake ID that makes you younger
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..