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My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”