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*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
A Short Story.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”