Dead
Alive
Other✔
You Might Also Like
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.