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Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.