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Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
🚲+physics = winner
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
I am HOWLING at this
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit