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surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.