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Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
True story 🤣
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
ah yes….my favourite videogame
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk