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Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I’ve disappointed better people.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.