Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

ㅤ

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?