Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

Cannot stop laughing at this

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.