Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
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I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
no cat here
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy: