Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human

they really wanted me dead for this

Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about