Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.

5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

Merica.

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer