Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes