Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking

[dinner]
prince eric:

ariel:

prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing

ariel: no no, not this crab

prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good

ariel: he was just a backup dancer

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”

“SOMETIME SOON”

If Mona Lisa was on Instagram

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

New Year, New Me

New Me [looking around]: absolutely not

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.