Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
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Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
*gets down on one knee*
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I’m about to risk it all
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course