Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
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How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Oh we’ve met.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow