Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
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I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Jupiter
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
This is a whole mood;
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.