Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.

The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

*Creating a new social media app*

“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”

Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

me when I see my crush

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

Spring of Deception

Me [on the couch]: Well, it was a nice holiday break, but now it’s time to go back to work.

Me: [moves to other end of couch and opens laptop]

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

me logging onto twitter

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”