Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.

Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense