Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.

We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

Dance like you’re not the father

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.