[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
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I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
I want to meet the individual who made this
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
rip to my favourite tweet
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?