Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

Come back with a warrant

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.