Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”

Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot

the clam before the storm

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim