Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…

Send help!

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes