Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
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Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
You can’t outrun your problems…
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Gods work.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo