Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*

eyes: *water*

*looks like I’m crying in meeting*

me: yeah this is better

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

another case of gang violins

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave