imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
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ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Not today, today.
Not today.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry