Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.

Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god