Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

Yep.

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

A huge thanks to the person that did this