Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

Breaking news:

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter

they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”

Me: Did you watch it?

Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream