Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
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Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.