Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance

He took my last fry, your honor

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that