Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.

Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.

Me: Oh, they’re not with me.

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

ㅤ

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

We need to start drilling for eggs on our own soil.

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.