Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.