Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
You Might Also Like
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife鈥檚 friend鈥檚 baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 馃ぃ
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they鈥檝e cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN鈥橳 HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
馃槼馃槼馃槼鈽曪笍鈽曪笍鈽曪笍鈽曪笍馃お馃お
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Sorry if I鈥檓 a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”