Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?

Me:

if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

[trying to fall asleep]

SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us

*one hour later*

ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

Judge: How do you plead?

Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.