Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

So many pants.
So little yoga.

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.

I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out