Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good

ME: and?

DR. height and weight are both average for her age

ME: and?

DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal

ME: aaaaaaand?

DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore

ME: oh thank god

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven