Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.