Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
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My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Guys, I found it.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band