@Lhlodder
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
@knot_eye
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
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@Lhlodder
@OhNoSheTwitnt
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
@neonwario
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
@CoolCamel69
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
@smelbz
The worst part of going on a date with a guy I don’t like is how my grandma always dies before our food gets there.
@JayCee302
Me: “I really like this car”
Salesman: “Yeah and it also has a latch in case someone gets stuck in the trunk!”
Me: “Eh, what else ya got?”
@SvnSxty
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
@ArfMeasures
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
@KalvinMacleod
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
@Try2StopME
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’