MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
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Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.