Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,


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Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.



Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit


[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme


The worst part of going on a date with a guy I don’t like is how my grandma always dies before our food gets there.


Me: “I really like this car”

Salesman: “Yeah and it also has a latch in case someone gets stuck in the trunk!”

Me: “Eh, what else ya got?”


Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow


SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?


ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie


Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’