@knot_eye

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

You Might Also Like

@mom_ontherocks

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

@Playing_Dad

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

@Just_Lee_

My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited

@heyitsJudeD

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?

@PatsATweetin

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

@squirrel74wkgn

*pounding on her chest*

DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!

*pounds harder*

(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!

CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.

@CornOnTheGoblin

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

@AnOrangeSNES

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

@fro_vo

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

@Marlebean

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.