@GaryJanetti College graduates, did you know there are people that went to Princeton that can’t find a job? And you just went to a normal shitty school.
@knot_eye Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
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@GaryJanetti 
@Donna_McCoy The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
@faungirl123 Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
@karlhess in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
@DaHess1 Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.
@spcycucumber Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
@robin_991 I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
@BuckyIsotope KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
@215potter Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
@_Mo_lee_ Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p