Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
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My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.