Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire