Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM