Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.