Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

I’d use my best pan on you.

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

Honey I made you some hotdog water

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

You better wish for more oil

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

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