Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money