Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
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my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.